some will help you clean your room

the poets say we accept the love we think we deserve.
once up a familiar time, i accepted no love because i didn’t think i deserved it at all. i had not earned what i believed one had to earn. i had not become perfect yet, so why should i be loved. those who are loved have a beauty and a light to them, but me? i couldn’t find it.

i explained this to my friend. i feel i am an accomplished woman, so why do i still feel like i am not worthy of it. i was asked to elaborate and then i said, well, i’m messy. what if they see how messy i am and think i’m a filthy pig. and she said, some will help you clean your room.

i feel i have been deceived for a long time. in my life and generation there is little toiling in love, and sometimes rightfully so. you could lose yourself in the tolerance, in the covering of a multitude, as the bible calls love. but then i see the ones who made it through in the way the posts often write about, and there it is: the perseverance in the imperfect, the toiling in the faulty, the “i’ll take care of you,” not the “you take care of yourself.” the “you’re not too much for me” in the midst of the “you need to work on yourself first.” and you know what, rightfully so, but where is the balance.

if we don’t lose ourselves in love, have we loved at all? if we don’t rest in it, wholly and fully, with no prior intention of leaving, with no walls to stop us, with foolish passion, then do we experience the fires that can burn within us if set to the right person?

because some will help you clean your room. some will surely help you clean your room.

in all my shallow living, the only depth i find is in people, in loving and giving to people. why should i refuse myself. why should i refuse others. i want to burn, and maybe i’m wrong, but i think i know exactly who i want to burn for.