maybe it's time to let the old ways die.

vit comme s'il pleuvait.

have you ever felt attracted to your trauma, ever felt pulled to the darkness you were forged in, and then you have yourself stay in there and marinate in all the pain that built you, the walls you have now?

you know they say if you were raising a burning house, you're going to spend your day thinking the rest of the world is burning even when it's not, and there you are in your fireproof suit, holding the extinguisher, waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the bomb to explode, and everything to blow into smithereens. but then it doesn't. it did before, but now it doesn't, and you wait and you wait, and it doesn't, but still there must be something wrong. so you might revert to your old ways of acting and thinking. you're my rivert to the way that God himself saved you from because how dare you not protect yourself, how dare you have faith or trust that you are loved or cared for, protected, and it's not something you had to earn, something that has been freely given. maybe it is time to let the old way die.

i've heard people talk about being single by choice, and i know a lot of people are single by choice, but sometimes in conversations you can hear through when someone is choosing to either be by themselves or not engage or stay defensive. it's not out of maturity or some type of growth, it's out of intense defense—defending yourself from problems that exist, and the ones that don't, and the ones that may never exist, and the ones you think might exist. the ones you feel subconsciously exist, but you can't prove them. anxiety is a heck of a beast.

Will the sky truly fall if we let go not only of control? of what we wish would be? having hope, having faith in the One who made it all, that regardless of what happened, we will be fine.

anxiety says, what if? faith says, even if. there must be a life of peace, the peace they writes poems about, and freedom, and a lighter heart. and these days i feel that beckoning to me, i feel it nudging me, and my stoic heart refuses to be deceived. but then i look around me, and there are no enemies anymore.

and if i really wanted to, if i really let the old rage go, i could achieve some type of joy and happiness i've never experienced in my life. and yet i stop myself. and yet you stop yourself. why?

why hold on to a past that does nothing but shame you and point fingers at you, remind you of all the ways you've fallen short, when falling short is the human experience? there is no one more perfect than you. there is no one more deserving than you, the same way you are not more deserving than anyone. we just are. sometimes broken, always trying, usually hoping, wishing, living, loving, being—because we're human beings, and all we can do is be. so be here. be present. and let the old way die. free yourself from the shackles of your own fears, from the shackles and the chains of your own regrets. life is fleeting, but it's feeling so good.

et je suis proche de mes règles, donc je suis censé être déprimé, mais je ne le suis pas. et il y a des erreurs – tant à faire. si vous restez sur celui-ci, quelle énergie gaspilleriez-vous ? l’énergie que vous pouvez utiliser pour viser à être meilleur, l’énergie que vous pouvez utiliser pour vous aimer.

la vie est partout, vit comme s'il pleuvait, l'amour si c'était seulement la vôtre qui comptait. ne restez pas dans l'obscurité. Ne vous mettez pas sur le chemin de votre vie. mon amour, peut-être qu'il est temps de laisser mourir les vieilles façons.

Translation: And I’m close to my period, so I’m supposed to feel down, but I’m not. And there are mistakes—so much to do. If you stay stuck on this, what energy would you be wasting? The energy you could use to strive to be better, the energy you could use to love yourself.

Life is everywhere, live as if it were raining, love as if only yours mattered. Don’t stay in the darkness. Don’t put yourself in the way of your life. My love, maybe it’s time to let the old ways die.