“Bitches be gay,” a phrase I’ve heard a number of times escape the mouths of people who couldn’t comprehend the affection that exists within intimate female friendships. Said not to offend, but to express what they really meant, which is: “Women love women, often more deeply than people acknowledge.” And the “gay” meaning caring, loving, kind, affectionate, and not being shy about showing deep emotion. So really—are we just expressing what true affection and its expression looks like? Are we the blueprint, or are we the extreme?
There’s a kind of closeness that exists between women that’s hard to explain unless you’ve lived it. The complexities of female friendships are fascinating. One could argue that history and society has shaped a space where women are meant to feel so close to one another that the lines between friendship and romance often blur—sometimes playfully, sometimes in ways that lead to deeper self-discovery, exploration of sexuality, and intimate realizations. And even when these friendships don’t evolve into anything romantic, they still live in a space of deep emotional connection that is worth exploring.
Take social media, for instance. When women post beautiful photos, especially those who have close female friendships, the comments are often full of affection: “Marry me,” “Have my children,” “LOML (love of my life).” We call each other “my love,” “my wife,” “partner,” or “best friend.” I call my best friend “father of my children”(a straight woman with a boyfriend btw). It’s not always that these statements are meant to be taken seriously in a romantic sense, but there’s something true and beautiful in them. Even the straightest of women often share a bond with their friends that transcends the typical boundaries of platonic love. And I believe that’s real friendship—deep, layered, and meaningful.
Over time, you begin to notice how emotionally and physically close women are allowed to be with each other. And no one really questions it—until they do. Women can sleep in the same bed without it being deemed “weird”. They kiss each other non-romantically, wear each other’s clothes, some wax each other’s bodies (intimate areas too), walk around naked in front of one another—without shame, fear, or objectification. This reminds me of the time Samantha in Sex and the City helped Carrie get the tampon out of her vaginal canal. Not every woman does this, of course, but many do. It’s a comfort, a closeness, a bond that isn’t always seen as valid unless it crosses into something explicitly romantic.
Even beyond the blurred lines, female friendships are often so emotionally and spiritually intertwined that it’s hard to tell where platonic ends and something else begins. And we see this reflected in jokes online: “I’m a straight woman, but I saw a girl with a fat ass,” or “If I were gay, I’d be with her.” People may dismiss this as queerbaiting—and sometimes it is—but I also think it reflects a level of emotional comfort many women have reached with each other. So when we call each other “partners,” or follow each other to the bathroom, give each other kisses even without sexual attraction, we mean it. Not in a legal or romantic sense, but in a way that says: you are mine, and I am yours, in whatever way we need to be.
Even while dating women, some of my female friends and I have playfully flirted and used romantic terms on each other and fortunately the partners would get it. This can make some people uncomfortable. Maybe they don’t understand. Maybe they’re afraid of what it could mean. But it makes sense to us—the ones living it. The ones choosing it.
This level of comfort and vulnerability is often not extended to men, and I believe society's deeply rooted homophobia is partly to blame. Emotional depth and physical closeness between men have been so heavily policed that it’s become taboo. Men will say “no homo” after expressing love for their friend, as if intimacy itself is suspect. The fear of being perceived a certain way limits how emotionally available men can be to each other. They miss out on a kind of connection that women are usually allowed to explore.
Permit me to reference the Bible here: the friendship between David and Jonathan was deeply emotional, beautifully expressive (2 Samuel 1:26—I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; very pleasant have you been to me; your love to me was extraordinary, surpassing the love of women). David said Jonathan’s love was more wonderful than that of women, platonically, brotherly even. Their relationship, in many ways, resembles the closeness women share today—yet such vulnerability is rare between men, in part because of societal expectations and fear.
I also think about Jesus washing the feet of his disciples, too—a gesture of humility and care that would make some people today deeply uncomfortable, especially between men. But why? Why is love between brothers, between male friends, so threatening? If men acted like that today, some of you would clutch your pearls. But what are you really afraid of—an expression of love or one’s own close-minded prejudice?
Even the Bible says Christ is the head of the church, and we are His bride—male and female alike. I don’t say that to be controversial, but to point out how spiritual metaphors make space for this kind of closeness. I’m Nigerian, so take the hint: I know how uncomfortable this kind of talk makes people which is so funny because that is where my knowledge of this closeness between women originated from, particularly in secondary school. But if we stopped demonizing femininity—its traits, its expressions—then maybe we could allow all people to feel safe being emotionally open with one another.
With women, that kind of intimacy is often so normalized that we don’t always realize when emotional closeness becomes something more, something romantic. And when we do, it’s usually dismissed as “just girls being girls.” But for many women, that space becomes a point of attraction. And that’s okay. Because attraction is unpredictable. It transcends gender, race, religion. People fall for people. But upbringing, beliefs, and fear can cause people to repress that side of themselves or deny it entirely.
Attraction is attraction. It’s not something you can always control, no matter who you are or what you believe, doesn’t matter the gender, the timing, the rules. But depending on how/where you were raised, what you believe, what your family expects of you, sometimes you don’t act on it; maybe not out of fear or shame but because something in you values something else more. Let’s call it a sacrifice out of devotion and whether people agree with that or not, that’s still a real and difficult thing people go through. I will say this, one should not be ashamed of how they feel in this regard, but I do understand that it’s a personal journey. In a lot of cases, particular societies play a part in it too and makes existing difficult for the queer individuals, especially men but women too.
So yes, in retrospect, some intimate friendships between women do evolve into something romantic and some don’t. Some are just profoundly platonic. The jokes about being married, the affectionate language—it doesn’t make the bond any less real or valid. I find that beautiful. I have friendships like that. Deep, life-affirming sisterhoods.
Again not to get comfortable with referring to women as “bitches.” But bitches really be gay for each other.
I love my female friendships deeply. The sisterhood I’ve built over the years has sustained me in ways no romantic relationship ever could. But it’s true. Having friends who love you for your heart, who hold you when you’re at your messiest, who see the best in you before you even do—that is a gift from heaven.
So yes, we call each other partners. Sometimes it’s a joke. Sometimes, it’s the only word that fits. Because we are partners. Partners in crime. Partners in life. Partners in sisterhood. Partners in faith. Partners in healing. And I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
Happy Pride Stack Family🧡
